Purpose or Passion

The last several months I have believed that I had a calling, but not quite sure what it might be. As a pastors wife, you walk in your current situation as if it is your calling and you will find satisfaction. I believe that it is important for us to value to process. I heard a preacher say the other day to value the process to achieve our calling and purpose. I know that ultimitely our calling is defined as what you have been trained to do, I would argue that a calling is whatever you are purposed or have to do. Some become mothers unexpectedly, Some become pastors and hate it, some become teachers and loathe it. When you are truly called, you are thrust into something that is not necessarily conforatable, but you are good at.

I believe that while the last few years I have walked in the calling and purpose of the season in which I was in. I want to have a renewed passion. I believe that my problem has not been the "calling" that I was in, it was the passion or lack of that was the issue. To be passionate and to be called can become one in the same, you should be passionate about your call. You need to become passionate about the process. Passion is not something that you just have, it is something you gain as you become empathetic toward the purpose or cause. For example, when one person sees the starving children in Africa on television they may think to themselves that they want to do something and five mins. later that child and the country are both forgotten. take that same person to Africa and hand them a small starving child and they now may have a passion to help and to do something. Passion can be birthed through a vision. The bible states that "without a vision the people perish" I believe also true is without a vision passion dies. When we realize that when we truly become passionate that is when lives are changed. I know, that we say we want people saved but if we become passionate about it, lives will be changed and people will be saved. Find your purpose, passion and calling.

Shouldn't sweat it, but...

So every day we pretty much have the same morning and evening routines, we are not ready to get up and the kids are and we are ready for them to go to bed and they are not. It seems no matter what it is in life that children always want more, you give them a trip to the park and they never want to leave, you give them ice cream and they want more, you never are going to be done if you don't simply say "NO".

I love my girls and Lord knows there are days that I would just not have laughed without them but they are exhausting. My 5 year old has a tantilizing tone that she maintains in the wee morning hours, "I got to go potty!!!" as she shrieks this across our 850 square foot apartment every nerve in her father and I's entire body screams out in pain and annoyance. Why, you might ask does the child simply not go, well the gate is up, however I might add she still does this even when she has full access to the restroom. I take her to the restroom and drag my weary self from the bed, to the child, and put her back and try to steal a few more hours of sleep, but much to my shugrin, her father and I again feel our angry nerves when she, in the same tone, beckons, "I want something to eat!!!"

Alright we are currently trying to teach her the difference between wanting and asking. So put aside the fact that she is in a tone that is nearly unbearable at noon let alone 6 am., I am willing to put that aside, why are you telling me you want, ask me!!!!

Anyway as she makes these requests throughout the day, her favorite thing to ask after each need and desire is fufilled to her liking or to the extent in which she realizes I am going to and she asks, "What do I do now?" grrrrr. never satisified, always bored and ever wanting.

I realize in my frustration how annoying this is, however in reflection I realize that children are simply a reflection of the things in ourselves that annoy us. I always want more, money, time, sleep, etc. but on with life and the bills keep coming, the mornings get earlier and time keeps moving. I realize that one day she will be grown and gone and my mornings quiet, of course it will be then that I am unable to sleep past 5 am but hey who sweats the small stuff.

Faith????

Where has faith gone?



When I was a child I had childlike faith and I believe that Christ tells us to come to him as a child because of the faith. I recently got on facebook and though I have pastored for several years off and on with my husband I never realized until recently that people truly have so little faith.



When people want to get better, they ask for reference of meds, or a doctor. When people want financial problems solved, they go to conference. When they want their marriage fixed, they either go to couseling or re-marry. Why is it that faith in God is not longer the center of focus for christians today.

I recently had a friend post something that they were hoping, needing and expecting a miracle in. Suddenly post after post of people giving advice on how to fix it, things to do, people to call. This troubled me. People were not agreeing with the belief for a miracle but rather trying to offer solution. I know we as humans want a quick fix, if we are fat, we want a pill, or a surgery, if we are an addict we want a quick solution to deal with it. If we have a sickness, give me drugs. We then wonder why God isn't working.

Because we are not asking him to.

That is as simple and basic as answer that I can give. No one expects miracles. Yes people will "let" people pray for them, and will even ask for prayer but it seems today it is because it looks good. Why have we come to this. I remember when I was little I watched people get healed and there were praises and great declarations. I want, wish, hope and pray that we can become a people that will rise up in agreement with others when they want a miracle, not cower and believe in the ailment. If you truly want to help, pray, believe and find that childlike faith deep, deep down and thank God for the miracle that he has done.

Shout to the Lord with a voice of Triumph!!!!

LEMONADE, LEMONADE!!!!!

Last summer my daughter had a lemonade stand at our home and sold enough to make about ten or fifteen dollars. She did it at a yard sale that I had. She really liked the people handing her money and realized then that there were lots of things that could be sold with lemonade, why not cookies and brownies and she decided that she would have several lemonade stands each year and that was how she would earn spending money.

Well we moved into an apartment in the winter months and therefore she was not going to be able to hold her beloved lemonade stand and yet, my little girl was sure to overcome this obstacle. Grace announced two months ago that she was ready to have a lemonade stand, unsolicited, un reminded, and unscathed by the fact that we, the Shorey's no longer lived in a house but an apartment, and therefore we could not have one at our house. Well when she made her announcement her father told her such. We cannot have a lemonade stand baby because we do not live in a house and the apartment owners don't allow us to sell things. After a moment of silent thought and intent processing, she announced, "Starla has a house, I can sell lemonade at Starla's!!!" this is a woman in our church that indeed has a house. Craig,(her dad) then laughed and said, well if you think she will let you then you can ask her, but YOU have to be the one to ask and be responsible for it. Determined to forge on with her summer business plan, she remembered and asked each day if we had yet to ask Starla and we reminded her that we were not going to. By Wednesday she no longer mentioned it and by Sunday morning I was sure she had forgotten about the entire thing and I was not going to remind her, her business, her ideas. Well as we arrived for church as we always did and walked into the sanctuary, she scoped the room and there she was, Starla, (who had been told the story by us to pre warn her and get ok) Grace spotted her and pulled me to ear shot and said, "will you come with me" I had forgotten what she was referring and stated, "For what?" she rolled her eyes and said, " to ask Starla, about lemonade?" Shocked I followed as my little businesswoman grabbed my hand and led me to ask Starla, since she had a house could she have a lemonade stand there.

So here we are the weekend has arrived and we are to sell lemonade and she has remembered and plans to make some money, she says to give some to Jesus, to save, and of course to SHOP!!! a girl after my own heart and SHE has a plan!!!:)

stupid face!!!

so I wake up the other morning and the left side of my face is swollen, eye, lip, cheek. I look awful, so I take a benedryl and go to my conference and soon after my lunch break my eye began sweeling again. So I come home take some more benedryl and again it goes down some. I then buy some liquid benedryl, I felt it would work more quickly, and sure enough after I took it around 7 pm, I began to feel loss of use of limbs and my language bacame slurred and 8 pm out, like a light. Crazy.

So I am spending the majority of my time right now trying to figure out what on earth did this to me. Anyhow. body telling me something!!

my babies helped me see!!

I hate how the mind works sometimes, it plays tricks, it works all the time. I think all the time, sometimes so much that I overthink or lose track of thoughts.

I want to work harder on just enjoying life. Tonight as I walked with my two girls around the complex parking lot. The simplicity of joy that they discovered awed me. I stood and listened in amazement at their simple discorveries. Grace, finding her "shark teeth" and "light up bugs" and Faithie looking at the stars and calling them "light, mommy light!!" The simple treasures in life that we forget to pay attention to as we age and let the worries and frustrations of life take over.

This has been an unusual summer for us. For the first time since we have been married we have no worry or concern for things. We don't wonder about phone calls, hospital visits or worry who will be upset when we return from vacation or if we spend the day fishing. Right now our biggest worry is, where to go fishing and what do we do with our plants while on vacation. I think I can handle that. So in spending more time with the girls an less time on school or worries. I have begun to notice the little things. I laid on a blanket with my two year old and enjoyed looking at the stars, I sat there and had Grace show me the "shark teeth" that she had found and suddenly I began to appreciate the simplicity of life and the enjoyment of just being. I remember once reading the verse, Be still and know that I am God and today, I lived it. Thanks girls!!!:)

Inside out

Faith, what a funny word. We have faith in a million things. Faith is defined as complete trust, firm belief without proof. WOW, what an amazing yet scary concept. Walk with me for a second, think about, if you are a christian you have Faith in God and this is a good thing. However faith in people is so often what makes us fall flat on our face. We hear have faith, have faith in the doctors, have faith in teachers, have faith in ourselves, as time goes by we lose the faith, we become frustrated with the faith in people, doctors are sometimes...don't punch me, wrong. My sister in law has heard from some doctors she may never concieve, she has two children and another on the way. My mother had cancer and was told that she may never recover, she is doing well and back to work. there are countless ways in which doctors are wrong. People will, not will probably, will, let us down. I went through a phase in ,life where I believed this, but I also felt that if people were going to let me down, then I would only depend on me and that did not seem to go well for me either. I slowly began to read the word and to gain an understanding that faith in God is much more dependable.

Over the last few years several things have happened that have shaken my faith and made me weary of the journey. I lost my battle with weight, became overwhelmed and began to lose one battle right after another, weight, anger and soon could hear myself yelling at my children and feeling like here I am this fat, faithless, witch. I wanted more. I watch the biggest loser, not the most spiritual show in the world, but none- the less has some great ideas. I remember once hearing one of the trainers say, I try to help people realize why they got fat and then I can help them get their lives back. I believe that is what Christ is doing in me, he is helping me realize why I got fat, faithless and mean, and helping me find myself. I want to be the young vibrant woman of God that he has called me to be. I just had to realize I needed to be inside out and right then it was not pretty because the inside was not.

Victory WILL be mine

Counting calories, what a pain. I will admit that now that I am more conciensious of what goes in my body, I feel better, eat less calories but more food and am dropping the pounds.

I have always been a firm believer in excercise to lose weight. I always lost weight from excercise, like it melted off. After kids everything changes, your butt, and...well all the other things are relocated and everything changes. I burned a million calories at twenty. It was like I looked at chocolate and it did not go right to my thighs, I now think about looking at chocolate and straight to my butt, thighs and where ever else it wants to abide.

The last week I have done my new wii fit everyday and gone for a walk and counted calories and at last major breakthrough. I have lost 6 lbs in six days and my jeans feel loser and I feel good. However I still hear the haunting voices, your fat, your fat, your fat. I wish we could turn off our mind and again I say to myself I guess you can, refocus.

Anyway, here I sit thinking, why didn't I just count calories before, the weight loss journal is key, the water essential, and the wii fit telling me I'm fat, or rather, obese, can't hurt either. I am anxiously pushing toward the day when the stupid little voice tells me, You are in the normal weight range. Victory WILL be mine. I am six lbs. closer than last week and moving forward, without looking back.

I will...

Lately I have been focusing on weight loss. My entire life I have struggled with this issue. I realize that so does half of the population. I recently had a tooth pulled and during those few days I had a soft diet and because the procedure went terribly wrong, I had a soft diet and I could taste nothing. For some, perhaps even most this might be frustrating, but for me the only frustration I felt was that I had pain in the extraction site.

Long story short I lost about 13 pounds during the week of recovery, I could not taste, I got frustrated trying to keep food on one side of my mouth and eating no longer became a joy, delight or even an obligation, but work, hard frustrating and even exhausting work. So I simply became able to do what I had not been able to do since I was about twenty years old, I said no to the little bit left on my plate, I only ate when it was absoutely necessary.

I know this is short lived and eventually the site will seal and food will become a demon again, I realize that I am addicted, not only is it an addiction, but I am addicted to something that I require to live. Alcohol, tobacco, other drugs are not required to sustain life, but food is something our body craves and needs. I do not just want it, I need it. However I believe that in this time period I have become more aware of myself and my addiction. I believe that this is an epidemic in our country. I turn on the television and one minute the commercial says please pay 35 cents a day to feed these kids, the next is an ad to lose weight. Crazy.

I want it more, I need it more. I want to be thin, I want to live. I hate being fat, I hate being the one that people look at in disgust. I really believe that this is something I can overcome and that I will.

Proverbs 5:23He will die for lack of self-control

Breakaway

There are people in our lives that come and go. I believe that sometimes we are released from relationships and sometimes ties are severed but everytime it is for a purpose. Today as I sit and reflect on the last several months and even years, I realize that right now is the moment that I have finally realized why. Sometimes we have to let go of relationships and it is painful and other times it is...well not.

I am feeling mixed emotions yup thats right this separation is causing mixed emotion. Those who know me and what we have been through are thinking what mixed emotions why. But here it is. I am excited and happy and relieved the mixture is overwhelming. I want more. I want contentment and I feel that with this release may prove to be more of that than ever before.

Our entire life we breakaway so to speak, from friends, family, and several other relationships in our lives. Sometimes it is delightful and other times painful. I can honestly say that right now I sit here delighted.

Rejoice in the Lord always and again I say...

Breakaway...what a beautiful release.

Big Dawg

We all have the ability to open our eyes and move through the day and find a focus. For some it's a job, others kids, and even more nothing. How can I get through the day and do nothing? Ahh the goals we have. But the focus that I seem to be the target the last few years or me and my husband is the focus of frustration. I am beginning to believe people sit and find new ways to bring frustration to our lives.

Jobs, kids, money and sex, these are the things that cause the most marrital frustration. Nope not at my house. My husband and I get along very well. My kids though frustrating are not the largest frustration and I readily admit that my being overweight causes me to feel less patience with them. I also know that all my latest frustrations all stem from the same source. Let's call it the BIG DAWG!! Big Dawg has become a thorn in my side, a sliver in my foot that though I cannot see it I know it is there because of the pain that I feel from it. I want to remove it, but it is in there deep and does not want to come out, because it has found a home. Or perhaps Big Dawg is more like a tumor that feeds off from you and fights anything that may try to make it smaller or go away. Well sometimes tumors need to be removed.

Even when a tumor is benign we still don't like it, it's ugly and messy and gets in our way. Well Big dawg, my tumor. Big Dawg feeds off of my husband and I, they want to suck the life out of us. You ask me what benefits I get from my relationship with Big dawg, well I will tell you. But let me warn you after I tell you you are going to want a relationship like this one.

Benefit number one-Big dawg gets part of every penny you earn in some way and will do his utmost to find other ways to get money from you.

Number two- Big dawg puts his name on anything and half of it is automatically his, Not half of the responsibility but half of the benefit, Example I have a hot tub he can play in it and get half the money if I sell it, but if I need money to clean it, fix it or buy it, count him out.

Number three- He can assert himself in any situation as he deems necessary no matter how badly that may screw me over.

There are more benefits, but I don't want you to envy my relationship, Although you are probably sitting there wishing you can have a relationship like this, I am sure of one thing, You want the side of big dawg.

Definitely, Maybe

Well isn't life crazy. I sit and wonder how will we ever get through and suddenly completely out of nowhere an opportunity arises. I often wonder is this me being teased or will it truly happen. I fuddenly feel heart race and a that small voice of hope within telling me to keep listening.

But the cynical side of me says, "here we go again" I have to wonder which is correct lately it seems the cynical has won out, but yet I want to have hope, I want to believe. So yet again, a waiting game. If the opportunity was certain, began tomorrow and was tangible I may have more hope yet, but yet here I sit wondering, will I feel the hope simply to have it ripped from my grasp yet again.

Not that anyone has ever said they were going to do something and then they haven't done it, no that never happens. As I sit and reflect over my lifetime, I think of all of the migth haves, should haves and maybes. So close so many times, and yet not quite. It seems that when I sit and determine with my husband this is it, this is what we are going to do. BAM, BOOM, BANG!!! there it is another offer another ray of hope. But it usually gets snatched from me like a kid holding out the lollipop for the puppy.

I want to believe. I want to trust that this could be it, the one thing that could pull us through to the end of this long hard road of darkness. Could it, maybe, these continue to be the questions of my life. Well, as I watched this movie last night with my sister-in-law I know the answer is, "Definitely, Maybe."

Frustration

As I reflect on the last six years of my life, I am both puzzled and frustrated by the treatment by which my husband and I have recieved by people that have come into our lives. Yes, Yes, I know people drift in and out of our lives all the time, but not like this. I sit in a home that though it appears nice and normal from the outside and even to those that visit, but ahhhh does it come life and is damaged day by day. For example raw sewage in the laundry room and garage, toilets that have smells that are produced by Lord only knows what, stairs that one of fall down at least once a year and let's not forget the sinks that refuse to drain and cause me a headache.

I moved in this home and was told that the previous tenants were ingrates that did not know what they had or how good of a home this was that was provided. True there is a roof and five bedrooms. NO heat upstairs, no insulation and poor, poor plumbing, on some days I feel like shelters have more perks. My husband and I try to simply smile graciously when people mention that we "get" to live in this home. However Any of them would have (A) moved into a place of their own(as previous people have done). (B) taken every cent of the landlords money to fix all of these issues which by the way would cost thousands. or (C) grin and bear it. Well c is no longer an option. I want people to know the sacrifice. I am not asking too much. I live in a America, I should have plumbing that works, warmth and perhaps even drainage.

I am thankful for what I have but I'm just saying I want to be realistic. I have two children and need to be able to flush the toilet without worry of it flooding sewage in my laundry room. I don't want to carry buckets of water to do dishes. Give me a break. Running water, sinks that drain, boy did I take some things for granted before.

Food

I know that food has become a part of our culture, the obsession of eating right, eating wrong, not eating, overeating. There are famous people that are ridiculed for their weight, Oprah, Tyra Banks, Kirstie Alley and several others. I have friends that have weight challenges just like me and I don't post blogs that say, "Suzy looks like thunder thighs when spotted at church on Sunday." Is there nothing sacred. Do I think this country has a food issue, "yes" I believe that food is an obsession, a disease, and a major problem. When you go to a school and 23% or more of the students are diabetic and or overweight it is not just an issue but an epidemic. I then look at junior high and high school students in which we have about the same percentage that have some kind of eating disorder. I cannot help but be saddened and wonder when we decided to let food become our God and rather than maintain a healthy lifestyle we chose to use it to socialize, survive, cope and even to mourn. Whatever the situation food was ever present and considered a necessity.

I confess I am as guilty as the next one. I suffer from the disorder of food obsessed. I get angry, I get hungry, happy=hungry and name an emotion, I get hungry. I realize that this is something I must try to work on and something that I must control. I did not realize the epidemic fully until I was much older. The disease of food addiction is a similar one to that of an alcoholic, drug addict and every other addiction. However though those who suffer from those addictions may disagree, you cannot simply stop eating food. Hear me out. I cannot say to myself or someone else, " I will never again touch food." I can say, " I will not touch sugar, fat or starches." I cannot abstain from eating period. I want to maintain control and remain in control. I want to look at food for sustinance, and nutrition not survival and comfort.

KIDS...GIRLS!!!!!!!!!!!

How is it that children, no matter the age, have this innate sense that you are annoyed and continue to further annoyance. I readily admit that I have been at school today with 19 six year olds and that I came home frustrated, but two toddlers, girls is a lot at the end of that frustration. My four year constantly crying and running and screaming. She has a flare for the dramatic and oh what a joy that is. She cries when she encourages the dog to chase her and he does. She cries when she doesn't have the amount of milk in her cup she would like. she cries when I say, I am going to the store on Friday and asks to go and I say I don't know.

Why is it that our children that we long for, pray for, desire and even enjoy are still so often the center of our frustration. I have a two year old that can bring a melt down on her four year old sister in two point five seconds. The two year old has melt downs over the wrong color cup, the undesired dinner menu and any other miniscule thing that comes to her.

Girls...not easy. They cry, pout, whine, and bring frustration. Though I love my children, I think anyone that is 20 or younger that says to themselves, I am lonely and unwanted, let's have a baby, my children could be the poster children for why that may not be a good idea. Though I was 22 when I began having children at 27 they are still A LOT!!!!

As I taught first graders today I realized that while the frustrations are new they too are overwhelming with tattles, whining and even the occasional outburst.

I have had a long very frustrating day and am ready for a long hot candlelit bubble bath. BUT NO... we have agreed to add four more children to our home for the evening. WHAT WERE WE THINKING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I love my babies and thank God for them. But boy do I need a vacation.

breakthrough

There are several times in our life in which we fast. There are many purposes for such. In listeing to preachers and teachers in this new year and the end of the former. I began to feel in my spirit that the year 2009 was going to be an incredible year. a year of change, breakthrough and blessing. I have listened to preachers of kinds and styles for the last several years say this is your year and have felt like I wanted to send them a letter at the end of it telling the hell that it had been. Though I have heard this year after year and preacher after preacher, for some reason there was a quickening in my spirit that made me aware that this truly was going to be a groundbreaking year. My verse that I have thought and prayed for the year is Philippians 4:18-19

At the moment I have all I need—and more! I am generously supplied with the gifts you sent me with Epaphroditus. They are a sweet-smelling sacrifice that is acceptable and pleasing to God. 19 And this same God who takes care of me will supply all your needs from his glorious riches, which have been given to us in Christ Jesus.

Wow what a blessed year that is coming and the inexplicable will happen. I know that there will be triumph over battles that no one thought I would win. I am thankful for all he ahs already done and all that he is about to do.

This past two weeks my husband and I have had debts forgiven, family members begin the journey to new life and breakthrough, in the same week we have seen finances in distress, people fall and inexplicable illness. I believe that in the next weeks there will be people saved, lives changed, including my own, and breakthrough in every area of my life from finances to employment.

I believe that the above verse is mine. At the moment I have ALL I need... wow what a declaration, I know my daddy in heaven is rich so rich that he paves his streets with Gold and builds a mansion for each of his babies. I am so ready for the breakthrough that is mine, not gonna be mine, not maybe but mine.