Big Dawg

We all have the ability to open our eyes and move through the day and find a focus. For some it's a job, others kids, and even more nothing. How can I get through the day and do nothing? Ahh the goals we have. But the focus that I seem to be the target the last few years or me and my husband is the focus of frustration. I am beginning to believe people sit and find new ways to bring frustration to our lives.

Jobs, kids, money and sex, these are the things that cause the most marrital frustration. Nope not at my house. My husband and I get along very well. My kids though frustrating are not the largest frustration and I readily admit that my being overweight causes me to feel less patience with them. I also know that all my latest frustrations all stem from the same source. Let's call it the BIG DAWG!! Big Dawg has become a thorn in my side, a sliver in my foot that though I cannot see it I know it is there because of the pain that I feel from it. I want to remove it, but it is in there deep and does not want to come out, because it has found a home. Or perhaps Big Dawg is more like a tumor that feeds off from you and fights anything that may try to make it smaller or go away. Well sometimes tumors need to be removed.

Even when a tumor is benign we still don't like it, it's ugly and messy and gets in our way. Well Big dawg, my tumor. Big Dawg feeds off of my husband and I, they want to suck the life out of us. You ask me what benefits I get from my relationship with Big dawg, well I will tell you. But let me warn you after I tell you you are going to want a relationship like this one.

Benefit number one-Big dawg gets part of every penny you earn in some way and will do his utmost to find other ways to get money from you.

Number two- Big dawg puts his name on anything and half of it is automatically his, Not half of the responsibility but half of the benefit, Example I have a hot tub he can play in it and get half the money if I sell it, but if I need money to clean it, fix it or buy it, count him out.

Number three- He can assert himself in any situation as he deems necessary no matter how badly that may screw me over.

There are more benefits, but I don't want you to envy my relationship, Although you are probably sitting there wishing you can have a relationship like this, I am sure of one thing, You want the side of big dawg.

Definitely, Maybe

Well isn't life crazy. I sit and wonder how will we ever get through and suddenly completely out of nowhere an opportunity arises. I often wonder is this me being teased or will it truly happen. I fuddenly feel heart race and a that small voice of hope within telling me to keep listening.

But the cynical side of me says, "here we go again" I have to wonder which is correct lately it seems the cynical has won out, but yet I want to have hope, I want to believe. So yet again, a waiting game. If the opportunity was certain, began tomorrow and was tangible I may have more hope yet, but yet here I sit wondering, will I feel the hope simply to have it ripped from my grasp yet again.

Not that anyone has ever said they were going to do something and then they haven't done it, no that never happens. As I sit and reflect over my lifetime, I think of all of the migth haves, should haves and maybes. So close so many times, and yet not quite. It seems that when I sit and determine with my husband this is it, this is what we are going to do. BAM, BOOM, BANG!!! there it is another offer another ray of hope. But it usually gets snatched from me like a kid holding out the lollipop for the puppy.

I want to believe. I want to trust that this could be it, the one thing that could pull us through to the end of this long hard road of darkness. Could it, maybe, these continue to be the questions of my life. Well, as I watched this movie last night with my sister-in-law I know the answer is, "Definitely, Maybe."

Frustration

As I reflect on the last six years of my life, I am both puzzled and frustrated by the treatment by which my husband and I have recieved by people that have come into our lives. Yes, Yes, I know people drift in and out of our lives all the time, but not like this. I sit in a home that though it appears nice and normal from the outside and even to those that visit, but ahhhh does it come life and is damaged day by day. For example raw sewage in the laundry room and garage, toilets that have smells that are produced by Lord only knows what, stairs that one of fall down at least once a year and let's not forget the sinks that refuse to drain and cause me a headache.

I moved in this home and was told that the previous tenants were ingrates that did not know what they had or how good of a home this was that was provided. True there is a roof and five bedrooms. NO heat upstairs, no insulation and poor, poor plumbing, on some days I feel like shelters have more perks. My husband and I try to simply smile graciously when people mention that we "get" to live in this home. However Any of them would have (A) moved into a place of their own(as previous people have done). (B) taken every cent of the landlords money to fix all of these issues which by the way would cost thousands. or (C) grin and bear it. Well c is no longer an option. I want people to know the sacrifice. I am not asking too much. I live in a America, I should have plumbing that works, warmth and perhaps even drainage.

I am thankful for what I have but I'm just saying I want to be realistic. I have two children and need to be able to flush the toilet without worry of it flooding sewage in my laundry room. I don't want to carry buckets of water to do dishes. Give me a break. Running water, sinks that drain, boy did I take some things for granted before.

Food

I know that food has become a part of our culture, the obsession of eating right, eating wrong, not eating, overeating. There are famous people that are ridiculed for their weight, Oprah, Tyra Banks, Kirstie Alley and several others. I have friends that have weight challenges just like me and I don't post blogs that say, "Suzy looks like thunder thighs when spotted at church on Sunday." Is there nothing sacred. Do I think this country has a food issue, "yes" I believe that food is an obsession, a disease, and a major problem. When you go to a school and 23% or more of the students are diabetic and or overweight it is not just an issue but an epidemic. I then look at junior high and high school students in which we have about the same percentage that have some kind of eating disorder. I cannot help but be saddened and wonder when we decided to let food become our God and rather than maintain a healthy lifestyle we chose to use it to socialize, survive, cope and even to mourn. Whatever the situation food was ever present and considered a necessity.

I confess I am as guilty as the next one. I suffer from the disorder of food obsessed. I get angry, I get hungry, happy=hungry and name an emotion, I get hungry. I realize that this is something I must try to work on and something that I must control. I did not realize the epidemic fully until I was much older. The disease of food addiction is a similar one to that of an alcoholic, drug addict and every other addiction. However though those who suffer from those addictions may disagree, you cannot simply stop eating food. Hear me out. I cannot say to myself or someone else, " I will never again touch food." I can say, " I will not touch sugar, fat or starches." I cannot abstain from eating period. I want to maintain control and remain in control. I want to look at food for sustinance, and nutrition not survival and comfort.

KIDS...GIRLS!!!!!!!!!!!

How is it that children, no matter the age, have this innate sense that you are annoyed and continue to further annoyance. I readily admit that I have been at school today with 19 six year olds and that I came home frustrated, but two toddlers, girls is a lot at the end of that frustration. My four year constantly crying and running and screaming. She has a flare for the dramatic and oh what a joy that is. She cries when she encourages the dog to chase her and he does. She cries when she doesn't have the amount of milk in her cup she would like. she cries when I say, I am going to the store on Friday and asks to go and I say I don't know.

Why is it that our children that we long for, pray for, desire and even enjoy are still so often the center of our frustration. I have a two year old that can bring a melt down on her four year old sister in two point five seconds. The two year old has melt downs over the wrong color cup, the undesired dinner menu and any other miniscule thing that comes to her.

Girls...not easy. They cry, pout, whine, and bring frustration. Though I love my children, I think anyone that is 20 or younger that says to themselves, I am lonely and unwanted, let's have a baby, my children could be the poster children for why that may not be a good idea. Though I was 22 when I began having children at 27 they are still A LOT!!!!

As I taught first graders today I realized that while the frustrations are new they too are overwhelming with tattles, whining and even the occasional outburst.

I have had a long very frustrating day and am ready for a long hot candlelit bubble bath. BUT NO... we have agreed to add four more children to our home for the evening. WHAT WERE WE THINKING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I love my babies and thank God for them. But boy do I need a vacation.

breakthrough

There are several times in our life in which we fast. There are many purposes for such. In listeing to preachers and teachers in this new year and the end of the former. I began to feel in my spirit that the year 2009 was going to be an incredible year. a year of change, breakthrough and blessing. I have listened to preachers of kinds and styles for the last several years say this is your year and have felt like I wanted to send them a letter at the end of it telling the hell that it had been. Though I have heard this year after year and preacher after preacher, for some reason there was a quickening in my spirit that made me aware that this truly was going to be a groundbreaking year. My verse that I have thought and prayed for the year is Philippians 4:18-19

At the moment I have all I need—and more! I am generously supplied with the gifts you sent me with Epaphroditus. They are a sweet-smelling sacrifice that is acceptable and pleasing to God. 19 And this same God who takes care of me will supply all your needs from his glorious riches, which have been given to us in Christ Jesus.

Wow what a blessed year that is coming and the inexplicable will happen. I know that there will be triumph over battles that no one thought I would win. I am thankful for all he ahs already done and all that he is about to do.

This past two weeks my husband and I have had debts forgiven, family members begin the journey to new life and breakthrough, in the same week we have seen finances in distress, people fall and inexplicable illness. I believe that in the next weeks there will be people saved, lives changed, including my own, and breakthrough in every area of my life from finances to employment.

I believe that the above verse is mine. At the moment I have ALL I need... wow what a declaration, I know my daddy in heaven is rich so rich that he paves his streets with Gold and builds a mansion for each of his babies. I am so ready for the breakthrough that is mine, not gonna be mine, not maybe but mine.