Inside out

Faith, what a funny word. We have faith in a million things. Faith is defined as complete trust, firm belief without proof. WOW, what an amazing yet scary concept. Walk with me for a second, think about, if you are a christian you have Faith in God and this is a good thing. However faith in people is so often what makes us fall flat on our face. We hear have faith, have faith in the doctors, have faith in teachers, have faith in ourselves, as time goes by we lose the faith, we become frustrated with the faith in people, doctors are sometimes...don't punch me, wrong. My sister in law has heard from some doctors she may never concieve, she has two children and another on the way. My mother had cancer and was told that she may never recover, she is doing well and back to work. there are countless ways in which doctors are wrong. People will, not will probably, will, let us down. I went through a phase in ,life where I believed this, but I also felt that if people were going to let me down, then I would only depend on me and that did not seem to go well for me either. I slowly began to read the word and to gain an understanding that faith in God is much more dependable.

Over the last few years several things have happened that have shaken my faith and made me weary of the journey. I lost my battle with weight, became overwhelmed and began to lose one battle right after another, weight, anger and soon could hear myself yelling at my children and feeling like here I am this fat, faithless, witch. I wanted more. I watch the biggest loser, not the most spiritual show in the world, but none- the less has some great ideas. I remember once hearing one of the trainers say, I try to help people realize why they got fat and then I can help them get their lives back. I believe that is what Christ is doing in me, he is helping me realize why I got fat, faithless and mean, and helping me find myself. I want to be the young vibrant woman of God that he has called me to be. I just had to realize I needed to be inside out and right then it was not pretty because the inside was not.

Victory WILL be mine

Counting calories, what a pain. I will admit that now that I am more conciensious of what goes in my body, I feel better, eat less calories but more food and am dropping the pounds.

I have always been a firm believer in excercise to lose weight. I always lost weight from excercise, like it melted off. After kids everything changes, your butt, and...well all the other things are relocated and everything changes. I burned a million calories at twenty. It was like I looked at chocolate and it did not go right to my thighs, I now think about looking at chocolate and straight to my butt, thighs and where ever else it wants to abide.

The last week I have done my new wii fit everyday and gone for a walk and counted calories and at last major breakthrough. I have lost 6 lbs in six days and my jeans feel loser and I feel good. However I still hear the haunting voices, your fat, your fat, your fat. I wish we could turn off our mind and again I say to myself I guess you can, refocus.

Anyway, here I sit thinking, why didn't I just count calories before, the weight loss journal is key, the water essential, and the wii fit telling me I'm fat, or rather, obese, can't hurt either. I am anxiously pushing toward the day when the stupid little voice tells me, You are in the normal weight range. Victory WILL be mine. I am six lbs. closer than last week and moving forward, without looking back.

I will...

Lately I have been focusing on weight loss. My entire life I have struggled with this issue. I realize that so does half of the population. I recently had a tooth pulled and during those few days I had a soft diet and because the procedure went terribly wrong, I had a soft diet and I could taste nothing. For some, perhaps even most this might be frustrating, but for me the only frustration I felt was that I had pain in the extraction site.

Long story short I lost about 13 pounds during the week of recovery, I could not taste, I got frustrated trying to keep food on one side of my mouth and eating no longer became a joy, delight or even an obligation, but work, hard frustrating and even exhausting work. So I simply became able to do what I had not been able to do since I was about twenty years old, I said no to the little bit left on my plate, I only ate when it was absoutely necessary.

I know this is short lived and eventually the site will seal and food will become a demon again, I realize that I am addicted, not only is it an addiction, but I am addicted to something that I require to live. Alcohol, tobacco, other drugs are not required to sustain life, but food is something our body craves and needs. I do not just want it, I need it. However I believe that in this time period I have become more aware of myself and my addiction. I believe that this is an epidemic in our country. I turn on the television and one minute the commercial says please pay 35 cents a day to feed these kids, the next is an ad to lose weight. Crazy.

I want it more, I need it more. I want to be thin, I want to live. I hate being fat, I hate being the one that people look at in disgust. I really believe that this is something I can overcome and that I will.

Proverbs 5:23He will die for lack of self-control

Breakaway

There are people in our lives that come and go. I believe that sometimes we are released from relationships and sometimes ties are severed but everytime it is for a purpose. Today as I sit and reflect on the last several months and even years, I realize that right now is the moment that I have finally realized why. Sometimes we have to let go of relationships and it is painful and other times it is...well not.

I am feeling mixed emotions yup thats right this separation is causing mixed emotion. Those who know me and what we have been through are thinking what mixed emotions why. But here it is. I am excited and happy and relieved the mixture is overwhelming. I want more. I want contentment and I feel that with this release may prove to be more of that than ever before.

Our entire life we breakaway so to speak, from friends, family, and several other relationships in our lives. Sometimes it is delightful and other times painful. I can honestly say that right now I sit here delighted.

Rejoice in the Lord always and again I say...

Breakaway...what a beautiful release.

Big Dawg

We all have the ability to open our eyes and move through the day and find a focus. For some it's a job, others kids, and even more nothing. How can I get through the day and do nothing? Ahh the goals we have. But the focus that I seem to be the target the last few years or me and my husband is the focus of frustration. I am beginning to believe people sit and find new ways to bring frustration to our lives.

Jobs, kids, money and sex, these are the things that cause the most marrital frustration. Nope not at my house. My husband and I get along very well. My kids though frustrating are not the largest frustration and I readily admit that my being overweight causes me to feel less patience with them. I also know that all my latest frustrations all stem from the same source. Let's call it the BIG DAWG!! Big Dawg has become a thorn in my side, a sliver in my foot that though I cannot see it I know it is there because of the pain that I feel from it. I want to remove it, but it is in there deep and does not want to come out, because it has found a home. Or perhaps Big Dawg is more like a tumor that feeds off from you and fights anything that may try to make it smaller or go away. Well sometimes tumors need to be removed.

Even when a tumor is benign we still don't like it, it's ugly and messy and gets in our way. Well Big dawg, my tumor. Big Dawg feeds off of my husband and I, they want to suck the life out of us. You ask me what benefits I get from my relationship with Big dawg, well I will tell you. But let me warn you after I tell you you are going to want a relationship like this one.

Benefit number one-Big dawg gets part of every penny you earn in some way and will do his utmost to find other ways to get money from you.

Number two- Big dawg puts his name on anything and half of it is automatically his, Not half of the responsibility but half of the benefit, Example I have a hot tub he can play in it and get half the money if I sell it, but if I need money to clean it, fix it or buy it, count him out.

Number three- He can assert himself in any situation as he deems necessary no matter how badly that may screw me over.

There are more benefits, but I don't want you to envy my relationship, Although you are probably sitting there wishing you can have a relationship like this, I am sure of one thing, You want the side of big dawg.

Definitely, Maybe

Well isn't life crazy. I sit and wonder how will we ever get through and suddenly completely out of nowhere an opportunity arises. I often wonder is this me being teased or will it truly happen. I fuddenly feel heart race and a that small voice of hope within telling me to keep listening.

But the cynical side of me says, "here we go again" I have to wonder which is correct lately it seems the cynical has won out, but yet I want to have hope, I want to believe. So yet again, a waiting game. If the opportunity was certain, began tomorrow and was tangible I may have more hope yet, but yet here I sit wondering, will I feel the hope simply to have it ripped from my grasp yet again.

Not that anyone has ever said they were going to do something and then they haven't done it, no that never happens. As I sit and reflect over my lifetime, I think of all of the migth haves, should haves and maybes. So close so many times, and yet not quite. It seems that when I sit and determine with my husband this is it, this is what we are going to do. BAM, BOOM, BANG!!! there it is another offer another ray of hope. But it usually gets snatched from me like a kid holding out the lollipop for the puppy.

I want to believe. I want to trust that this could be it, the one thing that could pull us through to the end of this long hard road of darkness. Could it, maybe, these continue to be the questions of my life. Well, as I watched this movie last night with my sister-in-law I know the answer is, "Definitely, Maybe."

Frustration

As I reflect on the last six years of my life, I am both puzzled and frustrated by the treatment by which my husband and I have recieved by people that have come into our lives. Yes, Yes, I know people drift in and out of our lives all the time, but not like this. I sit in a home that though it appears nice and normal from the outside and even to those that visit, but ahhhh does it come life and is damaged day by day. For example raw sewage in the laundry room and garage, toilets that have smells that are produced by Lord only knows what, stairs that one of fall down at least once a year and let's not forget the sinks that refuse to drain and cause me a headache.

I moved in this home and was told that the previous tenants were ingrates that did not know what they had or how good of a home this was that was provided. True there is a roof and five bedrooms. NO heat upstairs, no insulation and poor, poor plumbing, on some days I feel like shelters have more perks. My husband and I try to simply smile graciously when people mention that we "get" to live in this home. However Any of them would have (A) moved into a place of their own(as previous people have done). (B) taken every cent of the landlords money to fix all of these issues which by the way would cost thousands. or (C) grin and bear it. Well c is no longer an option. I want people to know the sacrifice. I am not asking too much. I live in a America, I should have plumbing that works, warmth and perhaps even drainage.

I am thankful for what I have but I'm just saying I want to be realistic. I have two children and need to be able to flush the toilet without worry of it flooding sewage in my laundry room. I don't want to carry buckets of water to do dishes. Give me a break. Running water, sinks that drain, boy did I take some things for granted before.